Inner B!+c# Speaks About Facebook

I believe in the inherent goodness of every person. This doesn’t mean however that the teeny tiny bad ass version of ourselves have been completely obliterated. It is, in fact, given to random sightings at quite the most inopportune of times. Each one’s evil alter ego still exists, kept in check only by discipline and sheer determination to let the good side rule.

The following lines are not from the usually sane, understanding and loving me. It’s my inner evil b!+c# self, thinking aloud about uber mean and scathing lines that I may never have the chance to say to anyone. For this particular entry, it’s limited to thoughts about Facebook – people and their updates. Sensitive people who are prone to thinking that something here relates to them can stop reading now.

1. Careful about posting anything in my fb wall. The world will see how stupid you are and it will reflect badly on me since you’re in my network.  

2. Would you mind if I unfriend you now ? Don’t take it personally.  Between the two of us, we know we are friends. The rest of the world need not know about it.

3. So you ‘ve been to (name travel destination). Is it really  worth  200 photos and 10 status updates ? You were there only there for a layover.

4. You actually have money to travel and shop now. Great! I’m happy for you. I hope this means your parents no longer have to give you a weekly allowance.  You’re practically in the middle-age bracket.

5. Liar, liar… pants on fire !

6. Next time, type your thoughts in a word document. Do spellcheck. Then copy and paste to the status field in fb. That will spare people from seeing your spelling errors. Too bad there’s no grammar check, huh ?

7. State it in the language or dialect you are comfortable with. Definitely not English.

8. Come off it, your baby is not that cute. My puppy looks better and it barks, too.

9. You are not photogenic. Stop taking and posting selfies.

10. One status update per day is enough to let me know how you’re doing and what you’ve been up to — assuming I am mildly interested. Anything more than that, I suggest you use Twitter… which I don’t use, by the way.

11. It’s supposed to be a status update, not a status essay.

12. Do I know all of you ? Do we care what’s happening to each other at all ? Purge! Purge! Purge!

13. Uh oh, this photo clearly shows you’re gay and a cute one at that. Good on ya! I wonder if your parents  know though.

 14. Posting this unflattering photo of myself has earned you a place in my Most Hated list. How dare you.

Cabbie Conversations

Conversations with cab drivers can be entertainment fodder or thought provoking. As you hop onto a cab, prepare yourself to meet either Oprah, Yoda or Madame Auring (a Manila-based fortune teller and actress whose exploits I regard as too silly they’re actually funny). On that fateful Friday morning, en route to the airport, it seems all three were present . Here are some snippets from our conversation:

Convo 1 : Just Friends
Cab Driver (looking at rear view mirror) : Are you related to them ?
B : Yep, my folks. They came to visit. My mum can sometimes pass as my sister though. (grinned at mum who’s in on the joke)
C : (looks at the mirror again). Well, you don’t look that much alike. I thought you were just friends.
Mothergoose : Thanks, you mean I look young enough to be her friend. Oh, I’ll give you a tip (giggles like a girl)
C : (looks at me with a happy grin) Got that ? (nods enthusiastically)
B : Nah, don’t look at me. I’m not paying the cab fare. They are (point to folks at the back).

Convo 2 : Single C : (looking at my hands) Oh… no ring hey.
B : Yep, still single.
C : I got a sixth sense on these things. Something tells me that will change this year. I just know it.

Convo 3 : Happiness
C : You strike me as looking for something more to make you happy.
B : Huh ? Where’d that come from ? I’m good with things as they are.
C : You’ve got to be happy with what you have or you will never be happy.

Convo 4 : Work
C : So what’s your background ?
B : What do you mean by ‘background’ ? As in where I’m from or what I do ? (at this point, we were near the airport so I figured it won’t hurt to humor him and answer his questions?
C : (tries to mask the “duh, what do you mean ‘what background ?” look) Where you work. What you do for a living…that sort of background.
B : Oh that. I am what you call a corporate teacher. Insurance, I work for an insurance company.
C : Are you happy with your work ?
B : Yeah, most of the time. I can’t complain.
C : Good on you then. 75% of people don’t like their jobs but they can’t afford to move elsewhere. It’s because of the mortgage, or the kids or the lifestyle. They’re stuck and feel unhappy. They get on my cab and it’s the same – even for the rich ones – they still hail cabs, you know.

Convo 5 : Good Heart
We just made a turn and there was a traffic light up ahead. It suddenly turned green and stayed green until we passed.
C : You folks must have a good heart. See everything is going your way, even the green light. Good things, they happen to good people.

Convo 6 : Parting Shot
We finally arrived at the airport.
B : Thanks, mate. That was an interesting ride.
C : Don’t forget, a big change for you this year. Be happy with what you have.
B : Haha! You’re funny. I actually have a boyfriend already and I don’t think that will change.
C : That’s good, he might propose this year. I just feel a big change coming. A good one.
Mothergoose : Get his card so you can give him an update!!!

At that point, I definitely saw Madame Auring.